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The loss of self is the essence of trauma

Many of us think because we had loving parents that we didn’t have trauma. This is simply untrue. Until we do something to heal that trauma, the belief systems that were created as a result (I’m not good enough, I’m a burden, etc) will continue to be the lens from which you view the world. Hypnotherapy allows you to return to the moments when these maladaptive belief systems were created so that you can change them with your now-adult mind.

Reach out if you’d like to schedule some virtual hypnotherapy. This is one of the most powerful tools for getting underneath our maladaptive belief systems and allowing suppressed emotions to release. Please don’t let money be a barrier for this. I have sliding scale options and will work out any kind of payment plan you need if you feel ready to do your personal work.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all did our work?

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Why Hypnotherapy Works

When I was 5 years old I was molested by a babysitter. In these moments of powerlessness the only power a child has is over their mind, and so it’s common for them to dissociate from the experience in an attempt to reduce the trauma. Often times children don’t remember these isolated traumas because of this mental coping strategy, and this dissociative pattern often follows them into adulthood. 

Until doing hypnotherapy, I didn’t fully remember this traumatic experience. I sometimes saw flashes of it in my memory, but assumed it was some terrible nightmare I was remembering, not reality. 

You may ask yourself, “Why on earth would anyone want to go back to these traumas in hypnotherapy?” No one wants to reexperience trauma, and that isn’t what happens in hypnotherapy. In hypnotherapy, you’re able to go back to these traumas with support and resources so that instead of re-traumatizing you, it empowers you. The reality is that these traumas are stuck in your subconscious somewhere,  creating patterns in adulthood that often aren’t in your highest good, and keeping them in the shadows only continues to give them power. For me, I developed chronic anxiety at around age 11 that followed me into adulthood and debilitated me from fully enjoying my life. I had constant nausea, struggled with insomnia, and always put others needs before my own. I embraced dissociative behaviors like binge eating, smoking pot, and oversleeping because I felt the unconscious need to cope with chronic anxiety. This went on for years – I even tried consistent traditional talk therapy and it never made any difference in the way I felt or behaved once I would leave the therapy office. 

After 3 hypnotherapy sessions I made more progress than in 6 years of talk therapy.

This is because only 10% of our minds are conscious, and the remaining 90% is subconscious. This means that we are unaware of our ‘operating system’, one that was formed during childhood with an undeveloped brain. This is why in order to actually change a pattern like anxiety, depression, addiction, phobias, weight issues and even physiological imbalances like chronic pain or autoimmunity, you must explore the subconscious to shine light on where these patterns actually began. 

During hypnotherapy, we use a mild level of hypnosis to relax the ego and conscious mind so that we can get straight to the root of your presenting issue – which is in the subconscious. You’re still fully aware of your surroundings and can’t be controlled by your therapist like you might see in stage hypnosis. We’re able to get to the root of your anxiety, for example, by regressing back to one of the first times you felt this way. Memories will voluntarily surface and from there we’re able to explore what you came to believe about yourself and the world during these situations. Trauma is relative to your experience but we all have it. For some, it might be that mom forgot to pick them up from kindergarten one day. For others, it might be more obvious trauma like sexual or physical abuse. Either way, when a child experiences this fear, they conclude certain things about themselves- beliefs that become the wiring that follows them into adulthood. The kid sitting on the steps watching all her friends get picked up that realized mom wasn’t coming might conclude that she isn’t important. When I was molested, my belief I took away was that I’m not safe. These beliefs get stored in your subconscious and become the filter in which you process information in the world. We also form behaviors related to these beliefs like, “I won’t stick up for myself,” or, “I’m going to hide.”

This is why talk therapy only scratches the surface of our unhealthy patterns. The reason why hypnotherapy works so quickly is because you’re able to go back to these memories, discover the old subconscious beliefs that still control the way you think, and then change them. 

Once you reach a memory, you also have the opportunity to release the suppressed emotions that have been stuck in your body ever since which could be creating physical symptoms like nausea, pain, sweaty palms, weight gain, etc. This is done in a safe and contained space so that you do not become retraumatized. You are then able to reclaim parts of yourself that may have been left behind in these traumatic events. Things like your power, courage, autonomy, joy, or curiosity. As you release the pent-up emotions, reclaim the pieces that were lost, and form new beliefs about yourself and the world along with new behaviors, you’ll find that the present-day issue you wanted to work on doesn’t have as much power in your daily life. A situation that might have triggered your old belief of not being safe or important won’t have the same strength as it once did because in choosing a new, more productive belief, you’ve literally formed a new neural pathway for information to process through. Eventually this will become the new filter without even having to think about it. 

The lesson here is that in order to get to the root of your unproductive patterns, you have to dive into the subconscious. Most of us have spent decades suppressing our emotions and so it takes courage and trust to willingly allow them to surface. But the beautiful thing is that once they surface, they can then release, no longer subconsciously controlling the way you perceive the world. You can gently and lovingly take the wheel from your child self and become the adult driver of your vehicle. You can take your power back and no longer be prisoner to your anxiety,  depression, or addiction. It’s an extremely freeing feeling to know that you’re no longer controlled by those who traumatized you as a little one. My little girl who had her power taken away is no longer afraid and anxious. She’s joyful and courageous, her passion for life reignited. Once you learn how to love on your inner child, everything changes.

Learn more here.

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To Have a Gratitude Attitude

“Remember to have a gratitude attitude!” –my mom

It’s the season of giving thanks (but like, shouldn’t that be every season?), and I’m finding myself feeling rather out of balance, grasping for tools that bring me back to myself. This has been a difficult month for me. Well, to be honest, it’s been a pretty difficult year. This month has been challenging with the 7th move in 11 months for me. This is because I ended my marriage in January, which was devastating to not only my world, but all those that were effected by my decision to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and by far the most difficult choice I’ve ever had to make. I hesitate to share much out of respect for my former partner and his family, but I feel that this personal learning experience I went through might offer healing to some who hear it.

We need to hear one another’s stories. We need to see each other as mirrors, put before one another to reflect (sometimes painful) truths about ourselves, but nonetheless there to teach us. I’ve been studying clinical hypnotherapy for several years now and have been witness to so many stories that have touched me on a deep level that no matter how vulnerable I might feel, I’m committing to speaking my truth in the hopes that it helps someone else do the same.

This very idea was at the root of why I decided to end things with my husband last winter. I had been struggling with physical symptoms like nausea, chronic fatigue and IBS as well as depression and anxiety for years by this point, but through the deep work that I was luckily guided to (via my mother), I was able to uncover what was at the root of my chronic symptoms. I had established a daily mediation practice several months prior to this, committing to even 5 minutes a day, as long as I was consistent, which I surprisingly was. My mom had been meditating daily for years, encouraging me and my 3 siblings to follow suit when we would ask her why we felt anxious or depressed. My step-dad was a meditation teacher for crying out loud! But I wasn’t ready until I was, and that’s okay.

What hypnotherapy and meditation ultimately did for me was offer clarity. I was able to see not only what was creating the physical symptoms, but also why I had let it go on so long. Heart-centered hypnotherapy is like a flashlight that shines past the conscious mind and into the subconscious mind to where the beliefs we created about ourselves and the world during childhood actually live. Talk therapy operates in the conscious mind, so unfortunately I didn’t make much personal progress as a client until I discovered this deeper kind of work. This is because these deeply rooted subconscious beliefs are what drive our actions and emotions as adults. They’re a result of us observing the world and people around us as kids, deciding how we were going to survive, what felt safe, and ultimately how our egos were going to run the show. But the great thing is we can rewire those beliefs, it just requires exploring the subconscious mind (which makes up 90% of your psyche!), not the just the conscious mind (a mere 10%).

Once I could tap into why I was blinded by my fear of abandonment (through hypnotherapy) and begin to heal the root belief that I wasn’t important or lovable, I was able to release some of the anxiety that was keeping me “safe” in my comfort zone (my marriage), rather than take a leap of faith and do what my soul was guiding me to do, which was leave. My body was manifesting physical symptoms to get my attention, I’m just super skilled at ignoring things that make me uncomfortable, so me and Netflix lived in a fog together for quite a while. I felt like a shell of a person most of the time, with terrible nausea and digestion- it felt like there was this huge weight inside of me. I had no motivation and terrible insomnia, and honestly wished I wouldn’t wake up a lot of the time when I could finally sleep. It was a pretty dark time, and forced me to become super desperate to do anything that might help.

After committing to a regular meditation practice I couldn’t help but be more attuned to why my body was sick. And guess what? Once I made the terrifying decision to leave my best friend and husband because I knew it was best for my overall growth, I felt like a different person. Almost a year later and I still feel clear, happy, and light.

So…why? I’ve gone through each end of the emotional spectrum about 50 thousand times this year and have sat with this question quite a bit. I mean, c’mon, Spirit! Couldn’t it be a little easier? Why do hearts have to break and why do families get torn apart? Why did my body force me to uproot our world and life and cause so much pain?

What I’ve come to learn through the pain and the mess and the tears of this year is that life is just one big arena. We’re here to learn and expand and transcend the trauma and pain that we’ve experienced; not to become a victim of it, but rather a student. When my body started getting sick, I could have continued to let it dictate my life for even more years than I did. I could have given up after years of trying allopathic medicine didn’t help me and continue to sink into a deeper depression and chronic fog. But thank goodness I had the support and community to encourage me to keep asking why and keep digging deeper to heal the real root of my symptoms, because now I have skills that I otherwise wouldn’t have had if my body hadn’t become ill. I know there’s more growth to go, but I’ve become highly attuned to my body as a result of my experiences this year. I also learned more than I can possibly express in my marriage and am a much better and more self-aware person as a result of it. Both of us walked away with gratitude and love for one another and agreed that even though it ended in divorce, it was still a successful relationship because of how much we both expanded and grew.

I began this entry saying this was a very difficult year for me. But I’ll finish by saying it’s also been the best year of my life. I’ve moved homes 7 times in 11 months, completing my 7th a couple of days ago. Each time was extremely difficult, but always reminded me of the unconditional support and deep community I have surrounding me. I rehomed my beloved dog to my uncle in California because I know he’ll have a happier and more fulfilling life there. The grief still feels like a knife in my gut sometimes, but Leo has a playmate and loving home and for that I feel immense gratitude. I lost a husband, 2 step-children and our home this year and faced depths of pain I could have never imagined. But I’ve also learned that I can and must trust myself, because out of the pain I’ve emerged brighter, more vibrant, and closer to my true essence than ever before.

So if you’re feeling lost, scared, depressed, or hurt, I’ll ask that you give something a try. When you’re stuck in one of those automatic mental tapes- you know the ones: “No one will ever be with me because I’m too fat,” “I’m not smart enough to go to grad school,” “My husband is selfish and doesn’t pay attention to me,” etc and on and on and on, press pause on the tape and take a breath. Look around you and decide to be grateful. I know that sounds ridiculous but seriously, if you redirect your thoughts, your emotions will often follow. It can be anything; the color of the fall leaves (that’s been a big one for me in my moving fog), the fact that you have an iPhone and can FaceTime your mom from 10,000 miles away, RUNNING WATER…the list goes on. Gratitude has been one of the most powerful tools for me during this year’s challenges and I love sharing it with people. Our thoughts become habits, and just like any bad habit, you can change them to good ones with practice. We can’t escape pain in this life, but we can choose if we allow it to become suffering. Life is too short to keep suffering, don’t you think?

In vibrant health,

Kendyl