Underneath this smile used to be more fear than I could name. The weight of it was like a prison from which I couldn’t escape.
I made every effort to numb and suppress it with inflammatory “comfort” food and drink, social media and my phone, Netflix/Hulu/HBO NOW/Starz (I’m no amateur streamer), and pot. I was in a constant state of survival, grasping for anything that would make the fear go away, even if only temporarily.
Waking up each day was a battle. I would wake with panic and nausea, and then the wave of judgement and shame would immobilize me even more. How could I feel this way when I had so much to be grateful for? I had a family and husband who loved me, a job I was passionate about, a beautiful home – how could I be so entitled?
Eventually this bombardment of emotion was too much for my body to take. It got to the point where I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I would pray that I wouldn’t – if it would just free me from the constant pain and anxiety that controlled my body, mind and spirit.
Once I reached rock bottom I realized that I had nothing to lose. I was at a choice point: life or fear. So I summoned what little strength I had left to connect to Universal Consciousness/God/Spirit/Divine/whatever you want to call it- I was ready to do anything that would free me from the constant struggle. Even though I hated it in the past, I felt guided to start meditating and spend more time in nature.
Once I opened up the space for my Higher Self to guide me I couldn’t ignore the messages about what needed to happen for me to come back to life. And ultimately it meant ending a marriage with my best friend. I was ignoring this truth for too long because it was too painful to face, so my body got louder- the nausea and anxiety got worse.
I don’t regret that relationship, nor do I harbor any ill feelings towards my ex. Neither of us did anything wrong, but our paths had to go different ways for our highest good. And that was a terrifying truth to face, but one that ultimately changed my life for the better.
This experience taught me how to listen to my body; a skill that many of us lack, especially in such a distracting society. I now know how to discern what is in my best interest and what is not, whether that be relationships, food, experiences, or thoughts. As I continue to practice this skill I realize how lost most of us really are because we don’t know how to listen to our inner knowing. Each of us has a higher self (that gut instinct you get? Yeah, that’s her) that is doing everything in her power to lead you toward your highest good and life purpose. The more we ignore her, the louder she gets. Trust me, don’t try to shut her up because she can out-scream you any day of the week.
Are you suppressing emotions because they’re uncomfortable to deal with? If you aren’t then you likely don’t have a pulse…
90% of our mind is subconscious. So every time you have a stressful situation or emotion and choose to numb out with The Bachelor (Game of Thrones is my poison of choice) or that Pumpkin Spice Latte and chocolate muffin- all you’re really doing is shoving it down into your subconscious. That shame or fear is having a party with all the other misfit emotions you weren’t equipped to deal with and have suppressed, and eventually that casual party is going to turn into a rager and the cops are going to come and your neighbors are going to freak out and… you get the point. Shit is going to hit the fan eventually. Your suppressed emotions are a ticking time bomb, patiently waiting to turn into chronic anxiety or acne or cancer or autoimmunity or *fill in the blank with any disease or symptom you’re not getting to the root of*, if they haven’t already.
But here’s what’s exciting! There are tools to heal these traumas and suppressed emotions. You don’t have to keep living like this. Hypnotherapy was one of the most powerful tools for releasing years and years of suppressed emotions that were causing IBS, acne, depression, anxiety and ADD. I also had to detox and change my diet to fully heal, but getting to the emotional root was the biggest piece of the puzzle.
When I see pictures of myself now I can’t believe how light and bright I feel compared to a year ago. And love, you can have that, too. You just need to invest in yourself and your healing. Every moment of every day you have a choice. Life or fear?
In vibrant health,
Kendyl
eful I am for my life and the path I’ve chosen. And it wouldn’t be a reality if not for mentors and coaches who inspired me to live the life I dreamt of. I leave in 20 days for a 2 month solo trip to Europe. I’ll be working remotely because I decided that traveling the world was what I wanted. There were so many obstacles along the way and people/society leading me to believe that a life like this was a fantasy. But with the help of amazing books and mentors, I know that I can design the life I want. And so can you. I learned to relentlessly focus my energy on the goal (traveling Europe for 2 months while still working as a health coach- aka the dream job) and to surround myself with good vibrations so that I would have MORE energy to focus on my goal. This was huge. Start to notice how the people, media, food, and energies your surround yourself with affect your overall motivation and energy. You know those people who just bring you down? Or how when you watch the news/other violent/depressing/dark media (it’s all the same, isn’t it?) you feel tired or deflated? Or how you feel like you’re in a coma after you kill half a batch of gluten free peanut butter chocolate chip cookies while watching Friends during certain times of the month? (Me neither…)