I’ll never forget the first time I heard of the ancient Hawaiian prayer, Ho’oponopono. They call it a ‘rinse’ because of the medicinal washing effect it has for the soul. Ho’oponopono means, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” I couldn’t stop reading it when I first saw it, and found that I was doing exactly what it was intended for- rinsing and repeating. At the time when I first came upon this practice I was the lowest of lows in my physical and mental health. I had severe IBS, chronic nausea and fatigue from SIBO (small intestine bacterial overgrowth), cystic acne, was 30 pounds overweight, and had depression and anxiety as a result of all of this. Reading the words, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you,” really hit me. It made me realize how hard I had been on my body for ‘failing’ me. Why couldn’t I digest my food properly like everyone else seemed to? I didn’t eat gluten, sugar, caffeine, or dairy for months and months, took loads of supplements, did dozens of colonics, and only noticed mild relief from the chronic symptoms that were tearing me down each day. “Why is this happening to ME?,” I kept thinking. I was completely stuck in a victim mentality, until I read ho’oponopono. I immediately put my hands on my belly and heart and was brought to tears at the effect I felt from repeating this only a few times to my body. It was as if the force that had been weighing me down and keeping me in a dark fog was beginning to lift.
The medicine I gained from the brief exposure to this forgiveness practice changed my life. I began doing this each time I would have a victim thought about how I was feeling or what was happening to me, and attune my awareness instead to all of the things my body was doing for me and how lucky I was in my life. This body has taken me up mountains to see amazing sights, my eyes have allowed me to witness all of the beauty and magic around me, my tongue has allowed me to taste the sweetness of the earth, my voice has allowed me to communicate and sing, I have an amazing family and freedoms many people will never feel. The list goes on. A quick shift in perspective can change everything. The momentum gained from this practice encouraged me to begin daily mediation. Once my emotional and spiritual body felt stronger I noticed my physical body follow suit pretty quickly. But not entirely.
I married an amazing man with 2 young boys (one of them is autistic) when I was 22. I knew this was a lot to take on at my young age but I felt like I could handle it because I loved him and his kids so deeply. I was so accustomed to feeling anxious and a lack of physical/mental vitality since adolescence that I didn’t think the marriage had anything to do with it, until I started my daily meditation and forgiveness work. I noticed drastic changes in my health from these practices, but I knew I still had a long way to go because of the anxiety and chronic bloating I still had. I’d done therapy, hypnotherapy, immersion retreats and other healing practices to get underneath the roots of my emotional and physical imbalances, and made lots of progress with certain symptoms, yet I still had chronic anxiety and gut issues.
I had been studying chronic disease in children because we were starting to prepare for pregnancy and I wanted us in peak physical health before conceiving, so as to avoid passing down our inflammation to our child. So I had to keep digging. Underneath every symptom is a true root cause that is often overlooked or hidden with medication. And unfortunately, the root cause of these imbalances ended up being the marriage and stresses that came with it. Being a step-mother is a tough job for anyone, but at my age is was eventually too much for my body to take on. Obviously I had thought about this before marrying him, but when you love someone that deeply, you’ll do anything to be together. I had worked with clients in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who had autoimmunity and other chronic illness, and nearly each one of them I spoke to had an unhealthy or unfulfilling marriage. I could see the path I was headed down if I didn’t address my symptoms. Do I get pregnant, raise a kid together for a while, and let the anxiety turn into something more severe, only to end the marriage later? Or make the hardest decision of my life and end it before going in deeper? Luckily, and very sadly I chose the latter, and the effect on my health that this had has been profound. I’ve never had so much energy, my anxiety is mild when it comes up, my gut is happy, and my heart feels completely open and light. This took a while to get to because I had a lot of grieving to do, but I’m so glad that I had the courage to take the leap of faith for the sake of my health, and for the sake of my ex and his boys. If I had stayed in the marriage with the knowledge that the relationship and responsibility of being a step-mother was affecting my health it would have built up resentment and I would be living out of integrity. It would have hurt everyone far more in the long run. Being in integrity with yourself and those you love is the only healthy choice, even if the process is painful for you and those around you.
Fast forward 8 months- I’ve been in Scotland for almost a month, pursuing my dreams of entrepreneurship and volunteering on sustainable organic farms to learn as much as I can. I spent a couple of weeks of this time with my mom and step-father, touring around the highlands and isles, visiting ancient sacred stone circles, burial grounds, and Pictish stones. It has been a completely healing and heart-opening experience that I feel incredibly grateful for. 
This photo was taken at the Fairy Glen in Rosemarkie on the Black Isle. Scotland is a magical and mystical land. The magic is evident in the rock faces and sacred pools. It’s almost as if I was in a trance when I came upon this pool. I was drawn to the face in the rocks on the right of the waterfall and stepped into the pools to get closer.
Before I left home in June I received a ton of emotionally abusive hate mail out of the blue from a mother of a former peer. There was no reason for it and it really shocked me. It completely threw me off my center and I felt like a scared little kid, about to embark on a solo trip to the UK with an overwhelming amount of fear and uncertainty. But eventually I saw this woman as a wonderful teacher for me. Anytime someone triggers you they are providing a mirror for some behavior in yourself that you don’t like. Now, obviously I don’t harass people online, but I have acted out because of my emotions and was able to use this experience for some spiritual growth in recognizing this part of myself. It was actually perfect timing because it created a challenge that the universe knew I could handle on my own, without my family and friends around me- independence has been my growth edge and the reason why I decided to do this trip alone. Once I received the medicine and teaching from this experience I had to start the forgiveness process, which I’ll admit was very difficult at first because the hate mail kept coming in for days, not only to me but my mother and ex-husband as well. But the pools at the Fairy Glen provided a sacred setting for me to do some really deep forgiving. Because staying angry or bitter about this wouldn’t change anything, it would only be poison for my soul, and eventually my body. So in the pools I brought every person who I had bitterness or resentment towards into my mind’s eye and repeated Ho’oponopono until I felt a lightness in my heart and could send them on their way. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Once I had done the forgiving of others, I turned it around and sent it to myself. Being a child of divorce, I knew how much pain I had caused my step-sons and ex-husband. I held so much shame in my heart and body about what I had done and couldn’t seem to let it go, even though I knew it was the right decision to leave. But as I stood in this pool, with the guardian of the glen looking down on me, repeating ho’oponopono and physically rinsing my body with the sacred waters, I started to feel a completion of this grieving process. A true release of all of the pain and shame I was holding inside towards myself. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.
Forgiveness is medicine for the soul. When the soul receives medicine, the mental and physical body also receive that medicine. What may be manifesting as a physical or emotional symptom like arthritis, IBS, acne, autoimmunity, anxiety, depression or insomnia has a much deeper root. Give yourself the freedom of forgiveness. It isn’t always easy, but just repeating those words: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you” will literally create a new neural pathway in your brain so that eventually you’ll believe it. Replace a resentful or angry thought with ho’oponopono and your body and sprit will feel lighter.
Remember, darkness and light can’t occupy the same space, nor can anger and love. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. This life is yours to make what you will with it. You can’t control what’s happened to you, only how you choose to respond to and assimilate it. Forgiveness may just be the medicine you need.
In vibrant health,
Kendyl
