“You are not supposed to be happy all the time. Life hurts and it’s hard. Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody. Don’t avoid the pain. You need it. It’s meant for you. Be still with it, let it come, let it go, let it leave you with the fuel you’ll burn to get your work done on this earth.” -Glennon Doyle
It’s so easy to avoid pain. Turn on the TV, scroll through social media, drink, smoke, eat, over-exercise… we all have our techniques for burying the discomfort, but unfortunately this only works for so long. The symptoms get louder. For me, I went from doctor to doctor trying to balance my anxiety, depression, and IBS, but all they offered were prescriptions, which only covered up the symptoms. They never asked me about my stress…
At the time I was in a toxic marriage with someone 18 years older than me, was trying my best to be a good step-mom to 2 young boys (one on the autism spectrum), and trying to go to college and work at the same time. The symptoms kept getting louder, until I didn’t even want to wake up anymore. I loved them all so much, so why did it hurt so badly?
Everyone I loved on the outside could diagnose the root cause of my issues as being the relationship (and stress that came with it), but I was too wrapped up in my codependency and idea of “loving someone so deeply” that I thought the pain was just a trade-off. That, sprinkled with some emotional manipulation, left me feeling trapped.
But when I finally got underneath the pain through hypnotherapy, I saw that my attachment issues stemmed from my daddy issues (dad moved away after parents split at 11), so until I healed the little girl who felt worthless because dad left, I couldn’t possibly see that my current partner was not in my highest good. I had to learn how to fill myself up, rather than seek external forces for my sense of worth. And once I did, the truth was so glaring that it didn’t take long for me to leave the marriage.
So lovie, what pain are you avoiding? I can tell you from experience that burying it only works for so long, and ends up creating more pain in the long run. If you’re ready to really work on it, a virtual hypnotherapy session is a great place to start. You’re not in this alone. 💛
Whenever you’re about to embark on a new journey, or are facing a challenge (illness, loss of job, ending of marriage, etc) you encounter something called liminal space – this is the period of time when you’re standing on the edge of the unknown, often in a state of fear or anxiety. This is the opposite of your comfort zone, and yet it’s often where some of the yumminess of life takes place.
Think about it – before your first kiss, on your wedding day, being in labor with your baby – all of these times were usually scary as hell and yet the most memorable, formative, and rewarding. In all of these times you experienced a period of liminal space. You had a choice about how to react. You could tolerate it, suppress it, or lean into it. We all know what it feels like to choose all of these paths, so maybe we ought to pay attention to when we’re in a liminal space, so as to be mindful about it, rather than unconscious. This can help us avoid prolonged liminality, aka, more suffering!
Ecological theologian Sallie McFague describes the liminal space as “a space where one is available for deep change from the conventional model of living to another one.”
While this liminal space is uncomfortable, ambiguous, and uncertain, it is also freeing. It is necessary for change and growth.
Anytime you feel anxious or afraid, it’s information. What often makes it worse is the meaning we attach to the fear, and therefore the belief we take on about it, which then creates more fear. So when you notice yourself feeling afraid, greet it, befriend it – ask it what it needs. If you drink a bunch of wine or turn on the TV, you’ve only suppressed it, making the discomfort last longer than necessary.
I know that there have been times when I didn’t want to hear what my fear needed – I was afraid of what it had to tell me. The most difficult experience of this was in my previous marriage when my intuition (the way your higher-self talks to you) was begging me to get out of the relationship but my subconscious (child-self) was too afraid of what was on the other side – too afraid of the liminal space. So I stayed way longer than I should have, and as a result suffered from severe depression, anxiety, and IBS, until it got so bad that I was willing to do anything to feel different. I mustered up the little courage and life I had left and ended the marriage, diving into the unknown.
I have grown since my divorce, more than I can articulate in words. It’s in the way I feel and walk in the world now – with more confidence, power, and trust in myself and this crazy thing we call life. My intuition was guiding me to a more fulfilling path, a healthier partner, and a more joyful human experience, I just had to surrender to my truth and take action.
Everything in your life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.
If you’re stuck, get help. There are coaches, therapists, doctors, naturopaths, support groups, meetups, books, Ted Talks, and so many other ways to get support. Listen to your gut and it will guide you to the tools that will help you become more of who you know you’re meant to be. Your higher-self is BEGGING you to open yourself to becoming the greatest expression of love that you can be while you’re on this earth so that you can leave it better than when you found it. If not for that, why else are we here?
When I was 5 years old I was molested by a babysitter. In these moments of powerlessness the only power a child has is over their mind, and so it’s common for them to dissociate from the experience in an attempt to reduce the trauma. Often times children don’t remember these isolated traumas because of this mental coping strategy, and this dissociative pattern often follows them into adulthood.
Until doing hypnotherapy, I didn’t fully remember this traumatic experience. I sometimes saw flashes of it in my memory, but assumed it was some terrible nightmare I was remembering, not reality.
You may ask yourself, “Why on earth would anyone want to go back to these traumas in hypnotherapy?” No one wants to reexperience trauma, and that isn’t what happens in hypnotherapy. In hypnotherapy, you’re able to go back to these traumas with support and resources so that instead of re-traumatizing you, it empowers you. The reality is that these traumas are stuck in your subconscious somewhere, creating patterns in adulthood that often aren’t in your highest good, and keeping them in the shadows only continues to give them power. For me, I developed chronic anxiety at around age 11 that followed me into adulthood and debilitated me from fully enjoying my life. I had constant nausea, struggled with insomnia, and always put others needs before my own. I embraced dissociative behaviors like binge eating, smoking pot, and oversleeping because I felt the unconscious need to cope with chronic anxiety. This went on for years – I even tried consistent traditional talk therapy and it never made any difference in the way I felt or behaved once I would leave the therapy office.
After 3 hypnotherapy sessions I made more progress than in 6 years of talk therapy.
This is because only 10% of our minds are conscious, and the remaining 90% is subconscious. This means that we are unaware of our ‘operating system’, one that was formed during childhood with an undeveloped brain. This is why in order to actually change a pattern like anxiety, depression, addiction, phobias, weight issues and even physiological imbalances like chronic pain or autoimmunity, you must explore the subconscious to shine light on where these patterns actually began.
During hypnotherapy, we use a mild level of hypnosis to relax the ego and conscious mind so that we can get straight to the root of your presenting issue – which is in the subconscious. You’re still fully aware of your surroundings and can’t be controlled by your therapist like you might see in stage hypnosis. We’re able to get to the root of your anxiety, for example, by regressing back to one of the first times you felt this way. Memories will voluntarily surface and from there we’re able to explore what you came to believe about yourself and the world during these situations. Trauma is relative to your experience but we all have it. For some, it might be that mom forgot to pick them up from kindergarten one day. For others, it might be more obvious trauma like sexual or physical abuse. Either way, when a child experiences this fear, they conclude certain things about themselves- beliefs that become the wiring that follows them into adulthood. The kid sitting on the steps watching all her friends get picked up that realized mom wasn’t coming might conclude that she isn’t important. When I was molested, my belief I took away was that I’m not safe. These beliefs get stored in your subconscious and become the filter in which you process information in the world. We also form behaviors related to these beliefs like, “I won’t stick up for myself,” or, “I’m going to hide.”
This is why talk therapy only scratches the surface of our unhealthy patterns. The reason why hypnotherapy works so quickly is because you’re able to go back to these memories, discover the old subconscious beliefs that still control the way you think, and then change them.
Once you reach a memory, you also have the opportunity to release the suppressed emotions that have been stuck in your body ever since which could be creating physical symptoms like nausea, pain, sweaty palms, weight gain, etc. This is done in a safe and contained space so that you do not become retraumatized. You are then able to reclaim parts of yourself that may have been left behind in these traumatic events. Things like your power, courage, autonomy, joy, or curiosity. As you release the pent-up emotions, reclaim the pieces that were lost, and form new beliefs about yourself and the world along with new behaviors, you’ll find that the present-day issue you wanted to work on doesn’t have as much power in your daily life. A situation that might have triggered your old belief of not being safe or important won’t have the same strength as it once did because in choosing a new, more productive belief, you’ve literally formed a new neural pathway for information to process through. Eventually this will become the new filter without even having to think about it.
The lesson here is that in order to get to the root of your unproductive patterns, you have to dive into the subconscious. Most of us have spent decades suppressing our emotions and so it takes courage and trust to willingly allow them to surface. But the beautiful thing is that once they surface, they can then release, no longer subconsciously controlling the way you perceive the world. You can gently and lovingly take the wheel from your child self and become the adult driver of your vehicle. You can take your power back and no longer be prisoner to your anxiety, depression, or addiction. It’s an extremely freeing feeling to know that you’re no longer controlled by those who traumatized you as a little one. My little girl who had her power taken away is no longer afraid and anxious. She’s joyful and courageous, her passion for life reignited. Once you learn how to love on your inner child, everything changes.
My step-father recently said I was like, “a gleeful elf lady.” Without context this could come off as a weird compliment, and even with context it’s still a little weird, but it still warmed my heart. My family used to refer to me as “Grinchy K”. This didn’t feel quite as good, but it’s mostly because I really felt like a grinch and didn’t like them calling me out for it. I’m not very good at hiding my bad moods and up until a few years ago they were more frequent than good moods.
Since about age 11 I’ve struggled with chronic anxiety, depression, and IBS. I didn’t know this until I was about 18 and was able to identify what anxiety and depression actually were, since up until then I never thought twice about the way I was feeling all the time. I assumed I was a typical hormonal teenager who liked to stay in bed as many hours as possible and would nearly vomit from nerves before getting asked to Homecoming – you know, normal teen stuff….right?
Once I got into college things really came to a head. My emotional and physical health tanked and I was desperate to find tools that would help me feel better. I went through extensive Functional Medicine lab testing for hormones, food sensitivities, GI health, and mineral/nutrient analysis and found that I had candida overgrowth, parasites, leaky gut, adrenal fatigue, heavy metals and super imbalanced minerals.
After several years of physical repair combined with hypnotherapy and meditation, I’m 95% better. I still get bouts of fatigue, anxiety, depression and bloating if I’m super stressed and not eating right, but at least I have the tools to bring me back to balance when I need. And that feels like a blessing.
The days of grinchy K are over – the gleeful elf lady has emerged and is sticking around!
So let me ask you? What needs to happen for your inner world to feel less grinchy so that you can make space for more glee?
If you want to learn more about individualized wellness programs that will empower you to transcend your imbalances, click here.
Fall has officially arrived and is distinctly marked by all of the “PSL” advertising, deliciously fragrant pumpkin candles lining store checkouts, and abundance of Uggs warming cold toesies.
I officially made “the switch” from a standard American diet to a 90% paleo diet in 2014 in an effort to get to the root of my anxiety, IBS and depression (I still eat rice and corn here and there on special occasions, but the bulk of what I eat is veggies and clean animal proteins…and chocolate). Eliminating these foods is one of the main reasons why I feel so much more balanced, all without prescription drugs. Western doctors told me my imbalances were genetic and that my food had no influence, but that medication would help with my chronic symptoms. Well, I proved them wrong, just like so many of you who are taking your health into your own hands. Within weeks of eliminating gluten, dairy, sugar and coffee (in conjunction with hypnotherapy), I felt better than I had in years.
However, I still grieved the foods I had grown accustomed to eating. I remember the first Fall when I realized I couldn’t order a pumpkin scone or pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks. This was a tragic moment in my life – what is Fall without PSL?! I even prepared by wearing my Uggs and Lululemon!
To re-convince myself about why I was eliminating this stuff, I decided to look up what was in the pumpkin syrup used in the infamous PSL. In an effort to make the transition easier, I had started recreating some of my favorite comfort foods (like chocolate chip cookies) and found seeing the ingredients was a helpful place to start. In my blissful ignorance, I was shocked when I read the nutritional labels for the scone and latte. At the time, they were using high fructose corn syrup and caramel coloring in their recipes – both of which are carcinogenic and cause developmental delays. They’ve since omitted caramel color but still use high-fructose corn syrup in most of their popular recipes. You can read more about the dangers of caramel coloring here, because even though Starbucks has taken it out of recipes, it’s still hidden in all kinds of products, from cough drops to condiments, as shown below.
The more you learn about the food industry, the more you realize you have to take your health into your own hands. Companies are getting away with putting toxic chemicals in foods that children eat, all for the sake of aesthetic. So please, read your labels and be a responsible consumer, for the sake of your health and the health of future generations.
This pumpkin bread recipe is obviously free of anything inflammatory or toxic, and instead is loaded with nutrient-dense ingredients that will not only fuel you, but will also satiate the craving you have for something fall-y! I always double the recipe and freeze some pre-sliced pieces to pop in the toaster at any time. I found an organic maple butter that is to die for and it goes perfectly on a piece of toasted pumpkin bread. And guess what? It has one ingredient: maple syrup. Guess how many ingredients Starbucks pumpkin scones have? 39. Yep. And those ingredients include soybean oil, high fructose corn syrup, wheat, dairy, and a truckload of preservatives, all of which contribute to chronic inflammation and disease. There’s a reason why people feel SO much better when they eliminate these foods. You are what you eat, so choose wisely 🙂
Place a rack in the center of your oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly coat a 8×4-inch loaf pan with nonstick spray, line with parchment paper so that the paper drapes over the sides like handles, then lightly coat with spray again.
In a large bowl, stir together the almond flour, protein powder, arrowroot, collagen, salt, baking soda, and pumpkin spice. In a separate bowl or stand mixer, whisk together the eggs, pumpkin, maple syrup, coconut sugar and vanilla.
Slowly combine the dry ingredients with the wet ingredients. Fold in any desired mix-ins.
Scrape into the prepared loaf pan and smooth the top. Bake for 42 to 48 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Place the pan on a wire rack and let cool 30 minutes. Gently lift out the bread with the parchment overhang and place on the rack to finish cooling completely. Slice and enjoy with ghee, grass-fed butter or my personal favorite, maple butter.
Notes: double and freeze pre-sliced pieces that you can toast whenever you want. Will keep well in freezer for 3 months.
Thousands of years ago ancient rishis in India came up with the same conclusion that Socrates came up with centuries later: that the universe, including humans, is made up of energy and not matter. It’s been called chi in ancient Taoism and prana in ancient Ayurveda, but either way, it translates to, “life force”.
But in the 17th century, Newtonian physics, which was widely accepted as conclusive science, said that the whole universe is like a big machine, made of matter and nothing else, therefore so are we. Western Medicine is still stuck in this concept, even though the rest of science has moved onto quantum physics, which says that as you go deeper into an atom, it is revealed that there is nothing there but energy waves.
An atom, the building block of the human body, is like an invisible forcefield which emits waves of electrical energy – it is made up of 99.99% energy and only .01% matter.
So if you want to have any impact on your experience of this life, you need to learn how to direct this energy, which can be done with your thoughts and the energy you allow in and around your body. In a time when chronic illness is rampant and anxiety is the norm, I think we could all benefit from learning this. Thousands of years ago in Chinese Medicine and Ayurveda, methods were discovered about how to direct this energy to prevent and reverse chronic imbalances – and they didn’t have smartphones or Netflix back then! So it’s all the more important we all are proactive about managing our personal energy not just to stay balanced and happy, but to reach our goals.
I’ve worked with clients in the past who get really pumped up and excited in the beginning of a program because they have a really clear goal and see a path to reaching it, but then once the real work begins, they lose steam.
When shit gets hard on a detox or another food protocol, and you’re sitting in front of Starbucks, craving your usual zap of stimulants, you’re going to need a “why” to turn your toosh around.
Your why should be like your mantra – it’s going to be something you need to come back to every day to remind yourself why you’re putting in this work, because trust me, your inner-teenager is going to come out swinging at some point, demanding cheese-fries and diet-coke, and you’ll want to make sure you’re equipped to gently move through it. And to do this, you’ll need a WHY.
Sit down and think about it. What is the sacrifice you’re currently making? Have you cut out a food like gluten or sugar? Are you trying keto for a while? Are you on a strict protocol to reverse an imbalance? Are you studying for a test or working on a job/college application? Are you on a strict workout regiment?
Once the sacrifice you’re making is clear, then ask yourself. WHY am I doing this? Maybe you’re doing Natural Infertility Solutions and are in preconception mode. Perhaps you’re on a weight-loss or autoimmunity protocol that requires clean eating and regular supplementation. Or maybe you’re working towards the career of your dreams.
I have to use my mantra almost daily. If I’m feeling rebellious and my inner-teenager tells me, “that second cookie is going to taste soooo good,” then I repeat my why: “I eat clean food and exercise regularly so that I can maintain a healthy weight and remain happy, energetic, and focused.”
Does this work every time? Uh, no, talk to me two days ago after my third cookie. Sometimes my stress eating resurfaces – no one is perfect. But this practice has gotten me through countless detoxes and cleanse protocols that I needed to do to attain the current level of balance that is my new norm (and the new cookies of choice are homemade, organic and paleo, not Otis Spunkmeyer like in the old days, so, ya know, progress).
Get clear on WHY you’re putting energy into a goal and come back to it when your defiant teenager wants to sabotage your progress.
I set reminders on my phone with my why to turn this into a habit, cause Lawd knows my teenager likes to complain. I keep telling her to go have fun with her friends, but man, she likes to bitch and moan. The more that you can see you why, the more your thoughts will be directed to it, and as a result, the more energy you’ll put towards your goal.
If you have questions about this process, don’t hesitate to reach out here or on Instagram or Facebook.
Lean into suffering. I know this sounds counterintuitive but hear me out. We will live an average of 78.69 years on earth and most of us will spend those years in a futile attempt to numb and distract from pain and suffering. We’ll go on stimulating vacations, pay for doctors and prescriptions, drink/smoke/vape/Juul/whatever new addictive trend is in, eat food and consume media that triggers as many dopamine/pleasure responses as possible—and all the while our deepest fears and pains still reside in our bodies and subconscious minds, ready to knock you off your center at any moment.
Avoidance is a recipe for bigger pain and louder suffering.
In the span of a few years I went from having mild anxiety to having chronic nausea, gut issues and depression, regular anxiety attacks and insomnia, and was quickly losing my will to live. It wasn’t until I faced my fear and suffering head on that I was able to get to the root of the unhealthy pattens and beliefs that were controlling my life.
Looking at my fear face to face was what eventually gave me emotional (and physical) freedom.
This is why I meditate. It isn’t easy. In fact it really sucks sometimes to sit for 30 minutes observing the noise in my head when all I want to do is sleep in a bit longer. But what this practice allows me to do is to understand the insanity of my human mind so that the ridiculous voices of my ego don’t control me anymore. The judgmental, self-doubty, scared little kid that lives inside all of us and does everything to feel powerful and in control. The one that really drives the car.
She felt disempowered many times as a little one. She didn’t have much of a choice about how to perceive the world as a kid. But that little one will not drive my adult life anymore. I have a choice in that.
That is why I continue to do my own hypnotherapy sessions with my therapist so that I can regress to impactful memories that solidified these unhealthy beliefs into my psyche- The traumatic but also sometimes first world situations that programmed my subconscious wiring.
Mom forgot to pick me up from school when I was 5 so sitting on the steps of primary school that little one decided that she wasn’t important. She decided to act small – now that a new neural pathway was formed with that belief she will continue to look for situations that confirm her lack of importance. Rather than see 5 of her close friends invite her to their birthday parties, she focuses on the fact that her best friend didn’t invite her to her party. See? I know I’m not important.
What happens in hypnotherapy is that I can scoop that little one up and remind her that she is important and loved. I can create a new belief with an adult mind that empowers me and helps to bring awareness to the numbing behaviors I partake in to avoid these negative self-perceptions. I have the power to create new, more productive neural pathways in my subconscious. I can literally rewire my mind.
That is real power. And it doesn’t come from avoiding fear and suffering. It comes from walking up to it and placing a graceful hand to its face and saying, “I see you. I hear you. I love you.”
Hypnotherapy is a tool that can guide you to those places in your subconscious mind that have control over your life. It provides a flashlight into your very programming. What do you think, is your mind ready for a software update?
If so, come see me for some hypnotherapy in Kirkland. A couple of 75 minute sessions just might offer you more insight than you’ll get from years of talk therapy.
Underneath this smile used to be more fear than I could name.
The weight of it was like a prison from which I couldn’t escape.
I made every effort to numb and suppress it with inflammatory
“comfort” food and drink, social media and my phone, Netflix/Hulu/HBO NOW/Starz
(I’m no amateur streamer), and pot. I was in a constant state of survival,
grasping for anything that would make the fear go away, even if only
temporarily.
Waking up each day was a battle. I would wake with panic and
nausea, and then the wave of judgement and shame would immobilize me even more.
How could I feel this way when I had so much to be grateful for? I had a family
and husband who loved me, a job I was passionate about, a beautiful home – how could
I be so entitled?
Eventually this bombardment of emotion was too much for my
body to take. It got to the point where I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I
would pray that I wouldn’t – if it would just free me from the constant pain
and anxiety that controlled my body, mind and spirit.
Once I reached rock bottom I realized that I had nothing to
lose. I was at a choice point: life or fear. So I summoned what little strength
I had left to connect to Universal Consciousness/God/Spirit/Divine/whatever you
want to call it- I was ready to do anything that would free me from the
constant struggle. Even though I hated it in the past, I felt guided to start meditating
and spend more time in nature.
Once I opened up the space for my Higher Self to guide me I
couldn’t ignore the messages about what needed to happen for me to come back to
life. And ultimately it meant ending a marriage with my best friend. I was ignoring
this truth for too long because it was too painful to face, so my body got
louder- the nausea and anxiety got worse.
I don’t regret that relationship, nor do I harbor any ill
feelings towards my ex. Neither of us did anything wrong, but our paths had to
go different ways for our highest good. And that was a terrifying truth to
face, but one that ultimately changed my life for the better.
Hiking the Isle of Skye, Scotland this past summer. One of the many magical experiences I had after releasing pent up fear.
This experience taught me how to listen to my body; a skill
that many of us lack, especially in such a distracting society. I now know how
to discern what is in my best interest and what is not, whether that be
relationships, food, experiences, or thoughts. As I continue to practice this
skill I realize how lost most of us really are because we don’t know how to
listen to our inner knowing. Each of us has a higher self (that gut instinct
you get? Yeah, that’s her) that is doing everything in her power to lead you
toward your highest good and life purpose. The more we ignore her, the louder
she gets. Trust me, don’t try to shut her up because she can out-scream you any
day of the week.
Are you suppressing emotions because they’re uncomfortable to
deal with? If you aren’t then you likely don’t have a pulse…
90% of our mind is subconscious. So every time you have a
stressful situation or emotion and choose to numb out with The Bachelor (Game
of Thrones is my poison of choice) or that Pumpkin Spice Latte and chocolate
muffin- all you’re really doing is shoving it down into your subconscious. That
shame or fear is having a party with all the other misfit emotions you weren’t
equipped to deal with and have suppressed, and eventually that casual party is
going to turn into a rager and the cops are going to come and your neighbors are
going to freak out and… you get the point. Shit is going to hit the fan
eventually. Your suppressed emotions are a ticking time bomb, patiently waiting
to turn into chronic anxiety or acne or cancer or autoimmunity or *fill in the
blank with any disease or symptom you’re not getting to the root of*, if they
haven’t already.
Playing in a river near Glen Coe, Scotland last July – chronic anxiety free!
But here’s what’s exciting! There are tools to heal these
traumas and suppressed emotions. You don’t have to keep living like this. Hypnotherapy
was one of the most powerful tools for releasing years and years of suppressed
emotions that were causing IBS, acne, depression, anxiety and ADD. I also had
to detox and change my diet to fully heal, but getting to the emotional root
was the biggest piece of the puzzle.
When I see pictures of myself now I can’t believe how light and bright I feel compared to a year ago. And love, you can have that, too. You just need to invest in yourself and your healing. Every moment of every day you have a choice. Life or fear?
It’s the season of giving thanks (but like, shouldn’t that be every season?), and I’m finding myself feeling rather out of balance, grasping for tools that bring me back to myself. This has been a difficult month for me. Well, to be honest, it’s been a pretty difficult year. This month has been challenging with the 7th move in 11 months for me. This is because I ended my marriage in January, which was devastating to not only my world, but all those that were effected by my decision to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and by far the most difficult choice I’ve ever had to make. I hesitate to share much out of respect for my former partner and his family, but I feel that this personal learning experience I went through might offer healing to some who hear it.
We need to hear one another’s stories. We need to see each other as mirrors, put before one another to reflect (sometimes painful) truths about ourselves, but nonetheless there to teach us. I’ve been studying clinical hypnotherapy for several years now and have been witness to so many stories that have touched me on a deep level that no matter how vulnerable I might feel, I’m committing to speaking my truth in the hopes that it helps someone else do the same.
This very idea was at the root of why I decided to end things with my husband last winter. I had been struggling with physical symptoms like nausea, chronic fatigue and IBS as well as depression and anxiety for years by this point, but through the deep work that I was luckily guided to (via my mother), I was able to uncover what was at the root of my chronic symptoms. I had established a daily mediation practice several months prior to this, committing to even 5 minutes a day, as long as I was consistent, which I surprisingly was. My mom had been meditating daily for years, encouraging me and my 3 siblings to follow suit when we would ask her why we felt anxious or depressed. My step-dad was a meditation teacher for crying out loud! But I wasn’t ready until I was, and that’s okay.
What hypnotherapy and meditation ultimately did for me was offer clarity. I was able to see not only what was creating the physical symptoms, but also why I had let it go on so long. Heart-centered hypnotherapy is like a flashlight that shines past the conscious mind and into the subconscious mind to where the beliefs we created about ourselves and the world during childhood actually live. Talk therapy operates in the conscious mind, so unfortunately I didn’t make much personal progress as a client until I discovered this deeper kind of work. This is because these deeply rooted subconscious beliefs are what drive our actions and emotions as adults. They’re a result of us observing the world and people around us as kids, deciding how we were going to survive, what felt safe, and ultimately how our egos were going to run the show. But the great thing is we can rewire those beliefs, it just requires exploring the subconscious mind (which makes up 90% of your psyche!), not the just the conscious mind (a mere 10%).
Once I could tap into why I was blinded by my fear of abandonment (through hypnotherapy) and begin to heal the root belief that I wasn’t important or lovable, I was able to release some of the anxiety that was keeping me “safe” in my comfort zone (my marriage), rather than take a leap of faith and do what my soul was guiding me to do, which was leave. My body was manifesting physical symptoms to get my attention, I’m just super skilled at ignoring things that make me uncomfortable, so me and Netflix lived in a fog together for quite a while. I felt like a shell of a person most of the time, with terrible nausea and digestion- it felt like there was this huge weight inside of me. I had no motivation and terrible insomnia, and honestly wished I wouldn’t wake up a lot of the time when I could finally sleep. It was a pretty dark time, and forced me to become super desperate to do anything that might help.
After committing to a regular meditation practice I couldn’t help but be more attuned to why my body was sick. And guess what? Once I made the terrifying decision to leave my best friend and husband because I knew it was best for my overall growth, I felt like a different person. Almost a year later and I still feel clear, happy, and light.
So…why? I’ve gone through each end of the emotional spectrum about 50 thousand times this year and have sat with this question quite a bit. I mean, c’mon, Spirit! Couldn’t it be a little easier? Why do hearts have to break and why do families get torn apart? Why did my body force me to uproot our world and life and cause so much pain?
What I’ve come to learn through the pain and the mess and the tears of this year is that life is just one big arena. We’re here to learn and expand and transcend the trauma and pain that we’ve experienced; not to become a victim of it, but rather a student. When my body started getting sick, I could have continued to let it dictate my life for even more years than I did. I could have given up after years of trying allopathic medicine didn’t help me and continue to sink into a deeper depression and chronic fog. But thank goodness I had the support and community to encourage me to keep asking why and keep digging deeper to heal the real root of my symptoms, because now I have skills that I otherwise wouldn’t have had if my body hadn’t become ill. I know there’s more growth to go, but I’ve become highly attuned to my body as a result of my experiences this year. I also learned more than I can possibly express in my marriage and am a much better and more self-aware person as a result of it. Both of us walked away with gratitude and love for one another and agreed that even though it ended in divorce, it was still a successful relationship because of how much we both expanded and grew.
I began this entry saying this was a very difficult year for me. But I’ll finish by saying it’s also been the best year of my life. I’ve moved homes 7 times in 11 months, completing my 7th a couple of days ago. Each time was extremely difficult, but always reminded me of the unconditional support and deep community I have surrounding me. I rehomed my beloved dog to my uncle in California because I know he’ll have a happier and more fulfilling life there. The grief still feels like a knife in my gut sometimes, but Leo has a playmate and loving home and for that I feel immense gratitude. I lost a husband, 2 step-children and our home this year and faced depths of pain I could have never imagined. But I’ve also learned that I can and must trust myself, because out of the pain I’ve emerged brighter, more vibrant, and closer to my true essence than ever before.
So if you’re feeling lost, scared, depressed, or hurt, I’ll ask that you give something a try. When you’re stuck in one of those automatic mental tapes- you know the ones: “No one will ever be with me because I’m too fat,” “I’m not smart enough to go to grad school,” “My husband is selfish and doesn’t pay attention to me,” etc and on and on and on, press pause on the tape and take a breath. Look around you and decide to be grateful. I know that sounds ridiculous but seriously, if you redirect your thoughts, your emotions will often follow. It can be anything; the color of the fall leaves (that’s been a big one for me in my moving fog), the fact that you have an iPhone and can FaceTime your mom from 10,000 miles away, RUNNING WATER…the list goes on. Gratitude has been one of the most powerful tools for me during this year’s challenges and I love sharing it with people. Our thoughts become habits, and just like any bad habit, you can change them to good ones with practice. We can’t escape pain in this life, but we can choose if we allow it to become suffering. Life is too short to keep suffering, don’t you think?
I’m currently sitting in a “sleeping pod” on the Northlink ferry from Aberdeen to Orkney and Shetland Island. There are two groups of people on this ferry: those who are on board for 6 hours for Orkney, and those that are on it for 14 hours for Shetland (plus boarding time which is 30-60 minutes prior to ship-off). I fall into the latter category. I’m on my way to Yell which actually happens to be another bus ride and ferry ride from Lerwick, the biggest city in the Shetland Islands. I’m headed to my final destination- 3.5 weeks volunteering on an organic sheep farm through WWOOF (World Wide Organization of Organic Farmers).
I just finished my first WWOOF experience with a wonderful couple at Laikenbuie Holidays, 3 miles outside of Nairn in the Scottish Highlands. Peter and Therese have created a masterpiece of 150 acres filled with a poly-tunnel, sheep, hens, cattle, tons of pigeons, an organic garden and poly-tunnel, 4 holiday lodges, a caravan, and 3 homes that they’ve built from the ground up. They’ve owned the property for over 30 years and when they bought it the land was covered with gorse bushes taller than them. Now, it’s a magnificent retreat and absolute dream come true to stay on.
One of the beautiful ponds that my hosts dug after buying the acerage, It rarely felt like “work” being on this land.
While there I was treated like a member of their family. They asked me what I was hoping to learn and then catered the 2.5 weeks to those goals with enthusiasm, patience, and diligence. I wanted to see how a farm was run and learn as much as possible about organic gardening, and that’s exactly what they provided me with. I began each day by riding my bike down the short track that runs through the property to the garden where I collected the chard and lettuce for my breakfast smoothie and lunchtime salad. I would then make a protein shake with chard, chocolate pea protein powder, almond/coconut milk, and sometimes some fresh raspberries from the garden. Peter curiously asked for a small glass each morning after about the third day and I always enjoyed sharing it with him. Therese would partake sometimes 🙂 It’s definitely an acquired taste, especially if you’re used to typical breakfast food like porridge, toast, pastries, yogurt, cereal, etc. But I was delighted to have it each morning for the first time on my trip, returning to a daily routine similar to home, although I don’t have a vegetable garden (yet) that allows me to eat the greens minutes after they’re picked! What a delight it was to eat such fresh food- the way it ought to be for everyone.
Therese and Peter’s daughter, brother and sister-in-law, and their son and his partner. Such a lovely and down to earth family.
I learned so much while I was at Laikenbuie and was honored to be taught by 2 people who are living their passion. They work hard. I mean, VERY hard. There’s always something that needs doing on a farm and they have created a true masterpiece because of their unrelenting dedication and skill. I couldn’t have been luckier to find such warm hosts.
I had a realization last night while having a heart to heart with my hostess’s sister-in-law that I’ve been dwelling on ever since. I used to have chronic anxiety, especially when I was alone, and so choosing a WWOOFing location when there are hundreds to pick from was absolutely terrifying for me. ‘HOW DO I CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE?!’ I kept thinking. ‘What if my hosts are crazy or awkward and I want to leave after a couple of days? I’ve never been away from home for this long, let alone been traveling solo for weeks on end!’ Looking back I realize how much wasted energy was spent worrying about this. I’ve tried to keep my mindset in check the last year because I’ve realized how powerful it is, but the weeks leading up to this 2.5 month journey were wrought with anxiety and fear, even though I was also really excited and knew deep down that it was what I was meant to do.
I’ve learned recently that real change and growth don’t come without fear or probably even some suffering to get there. Breaching the boundary of our “comfort zone” is terrifying! But that’s where the yumminess of life happens, and that’s what I’ve not only learned but really felt in my bones the last few weeks on this journey. I’ve been away from home for over 5 weeks and am just now realizing how GOOD I really feel. The anxiety that was consuming me leading up to the trip was because my soul knew it was embarking into the unknown, which we all know is scary AF, but super necessary if you want to taste all the sweetness of life. Despite the fear, I kept on trusting that the universe would lead me to the people, experiences and circumstances on this journey that would offer me some wisdom as I continue down my life path.
And now? The anxiety is gone. I’m on a 14 hour ferry ride headed to Shetland Island, which is closer to the Arctic Circle than it is to London. On my own. Talking to strangers. Headed to an island with 996 people. And I can’t flipping wait! Me. Kendyl. Codependent used to be my middle name! And now I’m doing stuff like this because I learned to trust the intuition I was getting from the universe to jump into the unknown and leap out of my comfort zone. And ever since I’ve surrendered to the waves of life, I’m so much happier and lighter.
My favorite beach in Nairn that I biked to many times where I swam, meditated, journaled and did yoga. I’ll see you again East Beach!
Each one of the experiences that have lead me to where I’m at have been puzzle pieces leading the way to the life I’ve been working on manifesting. You know those moments that stick out for no apparent reason? The beginning of this journey was 2 years ago when I had a client tell me about her WWOOFing experience in Ireland. She shared how impactful and wonderful it had been for her and for some reason, I remember this conversation vividly- I couldn’t get it out of my head, even a year later. It was the only time I’d ever heard about WWOOFing and I believe it was one of those intuitive nudges we often overlook that can lead us towards the experiences that ultimately change our lives. If I hadn’t listened to the voice inside guiding me to look into WWOOFing, I wouldn’t have met Peter and Therese. I also wouldn’t have been able to travel for this long without working, but WWOOF is an exchange of room and board for volunteer work, keeping travel expenses minimal.
When you have a goal, whether financial, in your career, romantically, or a trip you want to do, get really clear about what you want, sorting out all of the nitty gritty details related to that goal and then release it to the universe/god/divine consciousness. Once you’ve set the goal, the puzzle pieces appear. The friend who tells you about this amazing coffee shop she went to and for some reason you can’t get it out of your head so you go and meet your soul mate there. Or the nutrition certification you keep seeing come through on your Facebook ads that gives you a feeling in your gut each time you see it, even though you see loads of ads pass by with no notice all the time- fast forward a year and you have a successful nutrition business instead of the soul-sucking corporate job you hated. Or the nudge to apply for a job you feel underqualified for but then kick butt in the interview and get the position.
Divine guidance flows through everything and everyone we encounter, if we only stop to pay attention. The puzzle pieces that help us create our dream lives are all around us, ready to be woven into the masterpiece that is your life. Get clear on what you want and then keep your eyes and ears open for guidance. You must have unshakable faith that this energy is headed your way. Ignore the nay-sayers and wet blankets in your life who try to keep you in your “safe” and secure life, even though you know there’s a better version out there. Do you really want to spend your life in a job, relationship or city that are “safe” but make you want to binge watch Netflix every day just to escape the chronic stress you feel?
Remember how powerful you are; you can create whatever life you desire. Just keep looking for your puzzle pieces no matter how scary it gets, pick them up, dust them off, and place them where they fit to build the reality you know you deserve. Beautiful, worthwhile puzzles sometimes take extreme patience, losing some pieces and then finding them again, a hissy fit, chocolate and taking your emotions out on your family/friends, but I find that the result is nearly always worth it.
What hypnotherapy and meditation ultimately did for me was offer clarity. I was able to see not only what was creating the physical symptoms, but also why I had let it go on so long. Heart-centered hypnotherapy is like a flashlight that shines past the conscious mind and into the subconscious mind to where the beliefs we created about ourselves and the world during childhood actually live. Talk therapy operates in the conscious mind, so unfortunately I didn’t make much personal progress as a client until I discovered this deeper kind of work. This is because these deeply rooted subconscious beliefs are what drive our actions and emotions as adults. They’re a result of us observing the world and people around us as kids, deciding how we were going to survive, what felt safe, and ultimately how our egos were going to run the show. But the great thing is we can rewire those beliefs, it just requires exploring the subconscious mind (which makes up 90% of your psyche!), not the just the conscious mind (a mere 10%).
