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Lean into Discomfort

Lean into suffering. I know this sounds counterintuitive but hear me out. We will live an average of 78.69 years on earth and most of us will spend those years in a futile attempt to numb and distract from pain and suffering. We’ll go on stimulating vacations, pay for doctors and prescriptions, drink/smoke/vape/Juul/whatever new addictive trend is in, eat food and consume media that triggers as many dopamine/pleasure responses as possible—and all the while our deepest fears and pains still reside in our bodies and subconscious minds, ready to knock you off your center at any moment. 

Avoidance is a recipe for bigger pain and louder suffering. 

In the span of a few years I went from having mild anxiety to having chronic nausea, gut issues and depression, regular anxiety attacks and insomnia, and was quickly losing my will to live. It wasn’t until I faced my fear and suffering head on that I was able to get to the root of the unhealthy pattens and beliefs that were controlling my life. 

Looking at my fear face to face was what eventually gave me emotional (and physical) freedom.

This is why I meditate. It isn’t easy. In fact it really sucks sometimes to sit for 30 minutes observing the noise in my head when all I want to do is sleep in a bit longer. But what this practice allows me to do is to understand the insanity of my human mind so that the ridiculous voices of my ego don’t control me anymore. The judgmental, self-doubty, scared little kid that lives inside all of us and does everything to feel powerful and in control. The one that really drives the car. 

She felt disempowered many times as a little one. She didn’t have much of a choice about how to perceive the world as a kid. But that little one will not drive my adult life anymore. I have a choice in that. 

That is why I continue to do my own hypnotherapy sessions with my therapist so that I can regress to impactful memories that solidified these unhealthy beliefs into my psyche- The traumatic but also sometimes first world situations that programmed my subconscious wiring. 

Mom forgot to pick me up from school when I was 5 so sitting on the steps of primary school that little one decided that she wasn’t important. She decided to act small – now that a new neural pathway was formed with that belief she will continue to look for situations that confirm her lack of importance. Rather than see 5 of her close friends invite her to their birthday parties, she focuses on the fact that her best friend didn’t invite her to her party. See? I know I’m not important. 

What happens in hypnotherapy is that I can scoop that little one up and remind her that she is important and loved. I can create a new belief with an adult mind that empowers me and helps to bring awareness to the numbing behaviors I partake in to avoid these negative self-perceptions. I have the power to create new, more productive neural pathways in my subconscious. I can literally rewire my mind. 

That is real power. And it doesn’t come from avoiding fear and suffering. It comes from walking up to it and placing a graceful hand to its face and saying, “I see you. I hear you. I love you.” 

Hypnotherapy is a tool that can guide you to those places in your subconscious mind  that have control over your life. It provides a flashlight into your very programming. What do you think, is your mind ready for a software update? 

If so, come see me for some hypnotherapy in Kirkland. A couple of 75 minute sessions just might offer you more insight than you’ll get from years of talk therapy.

Schedule Hypnotherapy Appointment

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Honoring Your Inner Knowing

Underneath this smile used to be more fear than I could name. The weight of it was like a prison from which I couldn’t escape.

I made every effort to numb and suppress it with inflammatory “comfort” food and drink, social media and my phone, Netflix/Hulu/HBO NOW/Starz (I’m no amateur streamer), and pot. I was in a constant state of survival, grasping for anything that would make the fear go away, even if only temporarily.

Waking up each day was a battle. I would wake with panic and nausea, and then the wave of judgement and shame would immobilize me even more. How could I feel this way when I had so much to be grateful for? I had a family and husband who loved me, a job I was passionate about, a beautiful home – how could I be so entitled?

Eventually this bombardment of emotion was too much for my body to take. It got to the point where I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I would pray that I wouldn’t – if it would just free me from the constant pain and anxiety that controlled my body, mind and spirit.

Once I reached rock bottom I realized that I had nothing to lose. I was at a choice point: life or fear. So I summoned what little strength I had left to connect to Universal Consciousness/God/Spirit/Divine/whatever you want to call it- I was ready to do anything that would free me from the constant struggle. Even though I hated it in the past, I felt guided to start meditating and spend more time in nature.

Once I opened up the space for my Higher Self to guide me I couldn’t ignore the messages about what needed to happen for me to come back to life. And ultimately it meant ending a marriage with my best friend. I was ignoring this truth for too long because it was too painful to face, so my body got louder- the nausea and anxiety got worse.

I don’t regret that relationship, nor do I harbor any ill feelings towards my ex. Neither of us did anything wrong, but our paths had to go different ways for our highest good. And that was a terrifying truth to face, but one that ultimately changed my life for the better.

Hiking the Isle of Skye, Scotland this past summer. One of the many magical experiences I had after releasing pent up fear.

This experience taught me how to listen to my body; a skill that many of us lack, especially in such a distracting society. I now know how to discern what is in my best interest and what is not, whether that be relationships, food, experiences, or thoughts. As I continue to practice this skill I realize how lost most of us really are because we don’t know how to listen to our inner knowing. Each of us has a higher self (that gut instinct you get? Yeah, that’s her) that is doing everything in her power to lead you toward your highest good and life purpose. The more we ignore her, the louder she gets. Trust me, don’t try to shut her up because she can out-scream you any day of the week.

Are you suppressing emotions because they’re uncomfortable to deal with? If you aren’t then you likely don’t have a pulse…

90% of our mind is subconscious. So every time you have a stressful situation or emotion and choose to numb out with The Bachelor (Game of Thrones is my poison of choice) or that Pumpkin Spice Latte and chocolate muffin- all you’re really doing is shoving it down into your subconscious. That shame or fear is having a party with all the other misfit emotions you weren’t equipped to deal with and have suppressed, and eventually that casual party is going to turn into a rager and the cops are going to come and your neighbors are going to freak out and… you get the point. Shit is going to hit the fan eventually. Your suppressed emotions are a ticking time bomb, patiently waiting to turn into chronic anxiety or acne or cancer or autoimmunity or *fill in the blank with any disease or symptom you’re not getting to the root of*, if they haven’t already.

Playing in a river near Glen Coe, Scotland last July – chronic anxiety free!

But here’s what’s exciting! There are tools to heal these traumas and suppressed emotions. You don’t have to keep living like this. Hypnotherapy was one of the most powerful tools for releasing years and years of suppressed emotions that were causing IBS, acne, depression, anxiety and ADD. I also had to detox and change my diet to fully heal, but getting to the emotional root was the biggest piece of the puzzle.

When I see pictures of myself now I can’t believe how light and bright I feel compared to a year ago. And love, you can have that, too. You just need to invest in yourself and your healing. Every moment of every day you have a choice. Life or fear?

In vibrant health,

Kendyl

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To Have a Gratitude Attitude

“Remember to have a gratitude attitude!” –my mom

It’s the season of giving thanks (but like, shouldn’t that be every season?), and I’m finding myself feeling rather out of balance, grasping for tools that bring me back to myself. This has been a difficult month for me. Well, to be honest, it’s been a pretty difficult year. This month has been challenging with the 7th move in 11 months for me. This is because I ended my marriage in January, which was devastating to not only my world, but all those that were effected by my decision to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and by far the most difficult choice I’ve ever had to make. I hesitate to share much out of respect for my former partner and his family, but I feel that this personal learning experience I went through might offer healing to some who hear it.

We need to hear one another’s stories. We need to see each other as mirrors, put before one another to reflect (sometimes painful) truths about ourselves, but nonetheless there to teach us. I’ve been studying clinical hypnotherapy for several years now and have been witness to so many stories that have touched me on a deep level that no matter how vulnerable I might feel, I’m committing to speaking my truth in the hopes that it helps someone else do the same.

This very idea was at the root of why I decided to end things with my husband last winter. I had been struggling with physical symptoms like nausea, chronic fatigue and IBS as well as depression and anxiety for years by this point, but through the deep work that I was luckily guided to (via my mother), I was able to uncover what was at the root of my chronic symptoms. I had established a daily mediation practice several months prior to this, committing to even 5 minutes a day, as long as I was consistent, which I surprisingly was. My mom had been meditating daily for years, encouraging me and my 3 siblings to follow suit when we would ask her why we felt anxious or depressed. My step-dad was a meditation teacher for crying out loud! But I wasn’t ready until I was, and that’s okay.

What hypnotherapy and meditation ultimately did for me was offer clarity. I was able to see not only what was creating the physical symptoms, but also why I had let it go on so long. Heart-centered hypnotherapy is like a flashlight that shines past the conscious mind and into the subconscious mind to where the beliefs we created about ourselves and the world during childhood actually live. Talk therapy operates in the conscious mind, so unfortunately I didn’t make much personal progress as a client until I discovered this deeper kind of work. This is because these deeply rooted subconscious beliefs are what drive our actions and emotions as adults. They’re a result of us observing the world and people around us as kids, deciding how we were going to survive, what felt safe, and ultimately how our egos were going to run the show. But the great thing is we can rewire those beliefs, it just requires exploring the subconscious mind (which makes up 90% of your psyche!), not the just the conscious mind (a mere 10%).

Once I could tap into why I was blinded by my fear of abandonment (through hypnotherapy) and begin to heal the root belief that I wasn’t important or lovable, I was able to release some of the anxiety that was keeping me “safe” in my comfort zone (my marriage), rather than take a leap of faith and do what my soul was guiding me to do, which was leave. My body was manifesting physical symptoms to get my attention, I’m just super skilled at ignoring things that make me uncomfortable, so me and Netflix lived in a fog together for quite a while. I felt like a shell of a person most of the time, with terrible nausea and digestion- it felt like there was this huge weight inside of me. I had no motivation and terrible insomnia, and honestly wished I wouldn’t wake up a lot of the time when I could finally sleep. It was a pretty dark time, and forced me to become super desperate to do anything that might help.

After committing to a regular meditation practice I couldn’t help but be more attuned to why my body was sick. And guess what? Once I made the terrifying decision to leave my best friend and husband because I knew it was best for my overall growth, I felt like a different person. Almost a year later and I still feel clear, happy, and light.

So…why? I’ve gone through each end of the emotional spectrum about 50 thousand times this year and have sat with this question quite a bit. I mean, c’mon, Spirit! Couldn’t it be a little easier? Why do hearts have to break and why do families get torn apart? Why did my body force me to uproot our world and life and cause so much pain?

What I’ve come to learn through the pain and the mess and the tears of this year is that life is just one big arena. We’re here to learn and expand and transcend the trauma and pain that we’ve experienced; not to become a victim of it, but rather a student. When my body started getting sick, I could have continued to let it dictate my life for even more years than I did. I could have given up after years of trying allopathic medicine didn’t help me and continue to sink into a deeper depression and chronic fog. But thank goodness I had the support and community to encourage me to keep asking why and keep digging deeper to heal the real root of my symptoms, because now I have skills that I otherwise wouldn’t have had if my body hadn’t become ill. I know there’s more growth to go, but I’ve become highly attuned to my body as a result of my experiences this year. I also learned more than I can possibly express in my marriage and am a much better and more self-aware person as a result of it. Both of us walked away with gratitude and love for one another and agreed that even though it ended in divorce, it was still a successful relationship because of how much we both expanded and grew.

I began this entry saying this was a very difficult year for me. But I’ll finish by saying it’s also been the best year of my life. I’ve moved homes 7 times in 11 months, completing my 7th a couple of days ago. Each time was extremely difficult, but always reminded me of the unconditional support and deep community I have surrounding me. I rehomed my beloved dog to my uncle in California because I know he’ll have a happier and more fulfilling life there. The grief still feels like a knife in my gut sometimes, but Leo has a playmate and loving home and for that I feel immense gratitude. I lost a husband, 2 step-children and our home this year and faced depths of pain I could have never imagined. But I’ve also learned that I can and must trust myself, because out of the pain I’ve emerged brighter, more vibrant, and closer to my true essence than ever before.

So if you’re feeling lost, scared, depressed, or hurt, I’ll ask that you give something a try. When you’re stuck in one of those automatic mental tapes- you know the ones: “No one will ever be with me because I’m too fat,” “I’m not smart enough to go to grad school,” “My husband is selfish and doesn’t pay attention to me,” etc and on and on and on, press pause on the tape and take a breath. Look around you and decide to be grateful. I know that sounds ridiculous but seriously, if you redirect your thoughts, your emotions will often follow. It can be anything; the color of the fall leaves (that’s been a big one for me in my moving fog), the fact that you have an iPhone and can FaceTime your mom from 10,000 miles away, RUNNING WATER…the list goes on. Gratitude has been one of the most powerful tools for me during this year’s challenges and I love sharing it with people. Our thoughts become habits, and just like any bad habit, you can change them to good ones with practice. We can’t escape pain in this life, but we can choose if we allow it to become suffering. Life is too short to keep suffering, don’t you think?

In vibrant health,

Kendyl

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Manifesting the Life You Desire

I’m currently sitting in a “sleeping pod” on the Northlink ferry from Aberdeen to Orkney and Shetland Island. There are two groups of people on this ferry: those who are on board for 6 hours for Orkney, and those that are on it for 14 hours for Shetland (plus boarding time which is 30-60 minutes prior to ship-off). I fall into the latter category. I’m on my way to Yell which actually happens to be another bus ride and ferry ride from Lerwick, the biggest city in the Shetland Islands.  I’m headed to my final destination- 3.5 weeks volunteering on an organic sheep farm through WWOOF (World Wide Organization of Organic Farmers).

I just finished my first WWOOF experience with a wonderful couple at Laikenbuie Holidays, 3 miles outside of Nairn in the Scottish Highlands. Peter and Therese have created a masterpiece of 150 acres filled with a poly-tunnel, sheep, hens, cattle, tons of pigeons, an organic garden and poly-tunnel, 4 holiday lodges, a caravan, and 3 homes that they’ve built from the ground up. They’ve owned the property for over 30 years and when they bought it the land was covered with gorse bushes taller than them. Now, it’s a magnificent retreat and absolute dream come true to stay on.

One of the beautiful ponds that my hosts dug after buying the acerage, It rarely felt like “work” being on this land.

While there I was treated like a member of their family. They asked me what I was hoping to learn and then catered the 2.5 weeks to those goals with enthusiasm, patience, and diligence. I wanted to see how a farm was run and learn as much as possible about organic gardening, and that’s exactly what they provided me with. I began each day by riding my bike down the short track that runs through the property to the garden where I collected the chard and lettuce for my breakfast smoothie and lunchtime salad. I would then make a protein shake with chard, chocolate pea protein powder, almond/coconut milk, and sometimes some fresh raspberries from the garden. Peter curiously asked for a small glass each morning after about the third day and I always enjoyed sharing it with him. Therese would partake sometimes 🙂 It’s definitely an acquired taste, especially if you’re used to typical breakfast food like porridge, toast, pastries, yogurt, cereal, etc. But I was delighted to have it each morning for the first time on my trip, returning to a daily routine similar to home, although I don’t have a vegetable garden (yet) that allows me to eat the greens minutes after they’re picked! What a delight it was to eat such fresh food- the way it ought to be for everyone.

Therese and Peter’s daughter, brother and sister-in-law, and their son and his partner. Such a lovely and down to earth family.

I learned so much while I was at Laikenbuie and was honored to be taught by 2 people who are living their passion. They work hard. I mean, VERY hard. There’s always something that needs doing on a farm and they have created a true masterpiece because of their unrelenting dedication and skill. I couldn’t have been luckier to find such warm hosts.

I had a realization last night while having a heart to heart with my hostess’s sister-in-law that I’ve been dwelling on ever since. I used to have chronic anxiety, especially when I was alone, and so choosing a WWOOFing location when there are hundreds to pick from was absolutely terrifying for me. ‘HOW DO I CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE?!’ I kept thinking. ‘What if my hosts are crazy or awkward and I want to leave after a couple of days? I’ve never been away from home for this long, let alone been traveling solo for weeks on end!’ Looking back I realize how much wasted energy was spent worrying about this. I’ve tried to keep my mindset in check the last year because I’ve realized how powerful it is, but the weeks leading up to this 2.5 month journey were wrought with anxiety and fear, even though I was also really excited and knew deep down that it was what I was meant to do.

I’ve learned recently that real change and growth don’t come without fear or probably even some suffering to get there. Breaching the boundary of our “comfort zone” is terrifying! But that’s where the yumminess of life happens, and that’s what I’ve not only learned but really felt in my bones the last few weeks on this journey. I’ve been away from home for over 5 weeks and am just now realizing how GOOD I really feel. The anxiety that was consuming me leading up to the trip was because my soul knew it was embarking into the unknown, which we all know is scary AF, but super necessary if you want to taste all the sweetness of life. Despite the fear, I kept on trusting that the universe would lead me to the people, experiences and circumstances on this journey that would offer me some wisdom as I continue down my life path.

And now? The anxiety is gone. I’m on a 14 hour ferry ride headed to Shetland Island, which is closer to the Arctic Circle than it is to London. On my own. Talking to strangers. Headed to an island with 996 people. And I can’t flipping wait! Me. Kendyl. Codependent used to be my middle name! And now I’m doing stuff like this because I learned to trust the intuition I was getting from the universe to jump into the unknown and leap out of my comfort zone. And ever since I’ve surrendered to the waves of life, I’m so much happier and lighter.

My favorite beach in Nairn that I biked to many times where I swam, meditated, journaled and did yoga. I’ll see you again East Beach!

Each one of the experiences that have lead me to where I’m at have been puzzle pieces leading the way to the life I’ve been working on manifesting. You know those moments that stick out for no apparent reason? The beginning of this journey was 2 years ago when I had a client tell me about her WWOOFing experience in Ireland. She shared how impactful and wonderful it had been for her and for some reason, I remember this conversation vividly- I couldn’t get it out of my head, even a year later. It was the only time I’d ever heard about WWOOFing and I believe it was one of those intuitive nudges we often overlook that can lead us towards the experiences that ultimately change our lives. If I hadn’t listened to the voice inside guiding me to look into WWOOFing, I wouldn’t have met Peter and Therese. I also wouldn’t have been able to travel for this long without working, but WWOOF is an exchange of room and board for volunteer work, keeping travel expenses minimal.

When you have a goal, whether financial, in your career, romantically, or a trip you want to do, get really clear about what you want, sorting out all of the nitty gritty details related to that goal and then release it to the universe/god/divine consciousness. Once you’ve set the goal, the puzzle pieces appear. The friend who tells you about this amazing coffee shop she went to and for some reason you can’t get it out of your head so you go and meet your soul mate there. Or the nutrition certification you keep seeing come through on your Facebook ads that gives you a feeling in your gut each time you see it, even though you see loads of ads pass by with no notice all the time- fast forward a year and you have a successful nutrition business instead of the soul-sucking corporate job you hated. Or the nudge to apply for a job you feel underqualified for but then kick butt in the interview and get the position.

Divine guidance flows through everything and everyone we encounter, if we only stop to pay attention. The puzzle pieces that help us create our dream lives are all around us, ready to be woven into the masterpiece that is your life. Get clear on what you want and then keep your eyes and ears open for guidance. You must have unshakable faith that this energy is headed your way. Ignore the nay-sayers and wet blankets in your life who try to keep you in your “safe” and secure life, even though you know there’s a better version out there. Do you really want to spend your life in a job, relationship or city that are “safe” but make you want to binge watch Netflix every day just to escape the chronic stress you feel?

Remember how powerful you are; you can create whatever life you desire. Just keep looking for your puzzle pieces no matter how scary it gets, pick them up, dust them off, and place them where they fit to build the reality you know you deserve. Beautiful, worthwhile puzzles sometimes take extreme patience, losing some pieces and then finding them again, a hissy fit, chocolate and taking your emotions out on your family/friends, but I find that the result is nearly always worth it.

In vibrant health,

Kendyl

 

See you in Shetland!

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Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life

A wise man once said nothing. -Proverb

I’m 13 days into my mum’s (@drkeesha) 40-day Abundance Practice and am experiencing the results already. The practice consists of doing a specific meditation for ten consecutive days and then repeating that 4 times until you reach 40 days, otherwise you start back on day 1. It’s a great way to stay consistent with your daily spiritual practice. Trust me, I have those mornings where I want to sleep in, thinking, “I’m sooo grounded right now, I don’t need to meditate today.” And then 5 hours later I wonder why normal things are overwhelming me more than usual. Some of us are slow learners…. cough, cough.

I’ve done the full 40 day abundance practice 6 times, and each time I do, I always feel more motivated and inspired than if I’m missing a day of meditation here and there. It’s amazing how powerful not speaking- just sitting in silence and focusing on your breath can be in making magic happen in your life.

In the abundance practice, you basically focus your awareness on abundance and divine energy and how it’s all around you (this could be physical abundance in your health, mental/emotional abundance, monetary abundance, career abundance, you name it) and change your mindset to really believe and feel this truth. Simple, right? Not really. That’s why having a guide to help rewire the automatic self-sabotaging thoughts is extremely effective, and that’s what the abundance practice does. All you do is read a short meditation -I like to write it in my journal as well- and then meditate for 5-30 minutes with this in the back of your mind and receive whatever guidance comes. It’s like tapping into the flow of the universe and attracting whatever energy you desire toward you. What you focus on you create more of. Trust me. This shit works.

These pictures are some of the abundance I’ve experienced recently. I manifested 2.5 months in Scotland and made it happen using the abundance practice. Better yet? I got to spend 2 of those weeks traveling around to the many sacred sites and stone circles in Scotland with my mom and bonus dad.

This is the Ring of Brogdar on Isle of Orkney, one of the amazing isles north of mainland Scotland. It’s an ancient structure, dating back to 3000BC that originally consisted of 60 standing stones (36 remain) and is believed to be a gathering site that forms a ring of stones around one of the many powerful energetic locations on the planet. Tapping into the energetic flow of universal intelligence/consciousness/god- whatever you want to call it- was easy there. It was like plugging in- I could literally feel a visceral change in energy when I walked inside the circle- a recharge of the soul- full of love, gratitude, nourishment, joy- it felt like all of the yumminess of the world converging in one place and it was all pouring into my being.

Mesa ceremony with mum in the center of the Ring was one of the most powerful mother/daughter bonding experiences I’ve ever had. Someone before us had left tobacco during their own ceremony. We didn’t move it, just added our own contributions. So lucky to call this mum mine.

And what this experience made me remember is that this yumminess is all around us, not just at sacred sites like Brogdar. Every time I sit down and meditate, or take a walk in nature, sink my feet in the sand, laugh with friends, eat delicious food, hear a beautiful song, see a devoted elderly couple holding hands- all of this is that catalytic energy that we can tap into to manifest whatever we desire in this life. But we forget because we’re too distracted and numbed out by our stress, electronics, media, dead/nutrient-lacking food, chemicals, and the rest of the 21st century that we lose focus of the beauty surrounding us. And then we feel sick, depressed, alone, anxious, and/or inflamed.

But the medicine for these imbalances is right there for your taking. All you have to do is focus your awareness on it. The laughter of a toddler, the vibrant colors of the forest, the way it feels to be held by someone you love, the stillness from sitting in meditation- that vibration, that feeling- you can harness it. Bring it close. You can soothe the worry of daily life with this medicine. Recharge your entire being with it.

And when you do, you’ll be amazed at how powerful you are. And you won’t be able to look back. You’ll see and experience abundance all around you. The goals that you’ve set your mind to- that promotion, the new clients, the vitality you used to have, the man of your dreams- all of those will start becoming your reality. It’s unreal how quickly it starts to unfold. It’s like we all have this superpower that we’re ignoring. Imagine what a wonderful world we would live in if each one of us took a few moments each day to tap into the life force of the universe.

Each one of us makes up a light in the constellation of the universe- like a grid of stars. When you tap into the energy of universal consciousness you’ll realize that if you don’t shine your light fully, you’re robbing the rest of us from experiencing it, and that my friend, is a damned shame. Don’t keep your light dim anymore. Ask for help. Sit in silence and receive the medicine from the world around you. You are the microcosm of the macrocosm of the universe. Let’s shift the tide of this planet for the better. We have to do it together.

In vibrant health,

Kendyl

If you’re interested in trying the 40 Day Abundance Practice you can get it here. Let me know what unfolds for you in the comments below!