“Remember to have a gratitude attitude!” –my mom
It’s the season of giving thanks (but like, shouldn’t that be every season?), and I’m finding myself feeling rather out of balance, grasping for tools that bring me back to myself. This has been a difficult month for me. Well, to be honest, it’s been a pretty difficult year. This month has been challenging with the 7th move in 11 months for me. This is because I ended my marriage in January, which was devastating to not only my world, but all those that were effected by my decision to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and by far the most difficult choice I’ve ever had to make. I hesitate to share much out of respect for my former partner and his family, but I feel that this personal learning experience I went through might offer healing to some who hear it.
We need to hear one another’s stories. We need to see each other as mirrors, put before one another to reflect (sometimes painful) truths about ourselves, but nonetheless there to teach us. I’ve been studying clinical hypnotherapy for several years now and have been witness to so many stories that have touched me on a deep level that no matter how vulnerable I might feel, I’m committing to speaking my truth in the hopes that it helps someone else do the same.
This very idea was at the root of why I decided to end things with my husband last winter. I had been struggling with physical symptoms like nausea, chronic fatigue and IBS as well as depression and anxiety for years by this point, but through the deep work that I was luckily guided to (via my mother), I was able to uncover what was at the root of my chronic symptoms. I had established a daily mediation practice several months prior to this, committing to even 5 minutes a day, as long as I was consistent, which I surprisingly was. My mom had been meditating daily for years, encouraging me and my 3 siblings to follow suit when we would ask her why we felt anxious or depressed. My step-dad was a meditation teacher for crying out loud! But I wasn’t ready until I was, and that’s okay.
What hypnotherapy and meditation ultimately did for me was offer clarity. I was able to see not only what was creating the physical symptoms, but also why I had let it go on so long. Heart-centered hypnotherapy is like a flashlight that shines past the conscious mind and into the subconscious mind to where the beliefs we created about ourselves and the world during childhood actually live. Talk therapy operates in the conscious mind, so unfortunately I didn’t make much personal progress as a client until I discovered this deeper kind of work. This is because these deeply rooted subconscious beliefs are what drive our actions and emotions as adults. They’re a result of us observing the world and people around us as kids, deciding how we were going to survive, what felt safe, and ultimately how our egos were going to run the show. But the great thing is we can rewire those beliefs, it just requires exploring the subconscious mind (which makes up 90% of your psyche!), not the just the conscious mind (a mere 10%).
Once I could tap into why I was blinded by my fear of abandonment (through hypnotherapy) and begin to heal the root belief that I wasn’t important or lovable, I was able to release some of the anxiety that was keeping me “safe” in my comfort zone (my marriage), rather than take a leap of faith and do what my soul was guiding me to do, which was leave. My body was manifesting physical symptoms to get my attention, I’m just super skilled at ignoring things that make me uncomfortable, so me and Netflix lived in a fog together for quite a while. I felt like a shell of a person most of the time, with terrible nausea and digestion- it felt like there was this huge weight inside of me. I had no motivation and terrible insomnia, and honestly wished I wouldn’t wake up a lot of the time when I could finally sleep. It was a pretty dark time, and forced me to become super desperate to do anything that might help.
After committing to a regular meditation practice I couldn’t help but be more attuned to why my body was sick. And guess what? Once I made the terrifying decision to leave my best friend and husband because I knew it was best for my overall growth, I felt like a different person. Almost a year later and I still feel clear, happy, and light.
So…why? I’ve gone through each end of the emotional spectrum about 50 thousand times this year and have sat with this question quite a bit. I mean, c’mon, Spirit! Couldn’t it be a little easier? Why do hearts have to break and why do families get torn apart? Why did my body force me to uproot our world and life and cause so much pain?
What I’ve come to learn through the pain and the mess and the tears of this year is that life is just one big arena. We’re here to learn and expand and transcend the trauma and pain that we’ve experienced; not to become a victim of it, but rather a student. When my body started getting sick, I could have continued to let it dictate my life for even more years than I did. I could have given up after years of trying allopathic medicine didn’t help me and continue to sink into a deeper depression and chronic fog. But thank goodness I had the support and community to encourage me to keep asking why and keep digging deeper to heal the real root of my symptoms, because now I have skills that I otherwise wouldn’t have had if my body hadn’t become ill. I know there’s more growth to go, but I’ve become highly attuned to my body as a result of my experiences this year. I also learned more than I can possibly express in my marriage and am a much better and more self-aware person as a result of it. Both of us walked away with gratitude and love for one another and agreed that even though it ended in divorce, it was still a successful relationship because of how much we both expanded and grew.
I began this entry saying this was a very difficult year for me. But I’ll finish by saying it’s also been the best year of my life. I’ve moved homes 7 times in 11 months, completing my 7th a couple of days ago. Each time was extremely difficult, but always reminded me of the unconditional support and deep community I have surrounding me. I rehomed my beloved dog to my uncle in California because I know he’ll have a happier and more fulfilling life there. The grief still feels like a knife in my gut sometimes, but Leo has a playmate and loving home and for that I feel immense gratitude. I lost a husband, 2 step-children and our home this year and faced depths of pain I could have never imagined. But I’ve also learned that I can and must trust myself, because out of the pain I’ve emerged brighter, more vibrant, and closer to my true essence than ever before.
So if you’re feeling lost, scared, depressed, or hurt, I’ll ask that you give something a try. When you’re stuck in one of those automatic mental tapes- you know the ones: “No one will ever be with me because I’m too fat,” “I’m not smart enough to go to grad school,” “My husband is selfish and doesn’t pay attention to me,” etc and on and on and on, press pause on the tape and take a breath. Look around you and decide to be grateful. I know that sounds ridiculous but seriously, if you redirect your thoughts, your emotions will often follow. It can be anything; the color of the fall leaves (that’s been a big one for me in my moving fog), the fact that you have an iPhone and can FaceTime your mom from 10,000 miles away, RUNNING WATER…the list goes on. Gratitude has been one of the most powerful tools for me during this year’s challenges and I love sharing it with people. Our thoughts become habits, and just like any bad habit, you can change them to good ones with practice. We can’t escape pain in this life, but we can choose if we allow it to become suffering. Life is too short to keep suffering, don’t you think?
In vibrant health,
Kendyl
